The past 6 weeks have been heavy. It seems I'm not alone. I have spoken to so many others who seem to also be going through a period of confusion, questioning, self-doubt, illness and feel as thought they have pulled up at cross-roads. I know I am not alone in having to sit up and listen to the big messages.
I spend so much time teaching others to "listen to their body" and about how our thoughts can create dis-ease in the body. But in my pursuit to prove something to myself, or even get away from myself, I ignored everything I spoke about.
I ignored the exhaustion and instead pushed through. I ignored the signs that I was becoming over-consumed and possibly obsessed with my work to the determent of time with my family. I ignored the 2 torn muscles in my calf which I could easily associate with the deficiency of magnesium that left me hopping around the bedroom in the middle of the night; this wasn't enough to slow me down though... I ignored the white specks on all my nails. I ignored the skin peeling off my hands which by now I should know is a huge sign to slow down as historically the train wreck is approaching. I ignored the breast lesions and rashes that were appearing. They were enough to make me stop and think and question a little but again I kept going, pushing harder to prove that I could do everything and be something to everyone.
Often the Universe sends down a feather, that gentle reminder or incident to make you realise you need to do something or change something. But if we don't listen then the brick is thrown. The brick is often an uncomfortable reminder of the lesson the feather was sent to tell us.. When even that doesn't stop us, the trucks are called in to ensure that we have no choice but to stop and listen. So my Mack truck arrived a few weeks ago. It arrived as a health presentation I couldn't ignore. Lumps and bumps weren't enough to stop me but blood has the immediate power to bring you into the present as it yells "Oi you, now listen up." Within a matter of only a few days I went from running at full pace to sleeping all day passing blood and unable to consume anything but small amounts of water in crippling abdominal pain.
My first reaction was I need doctors, tests, pathology; I need to know what is going on. And this was the way I went (with so much gratitude to the beautiful care I received).
After many tests and time being rehydrated on a drip, spending two weeks on water only followed by 5 days of broth only, I started to improve physically but my mental wellbeing was facing the biggest challenge.
Loud and clear I understood that the beautiful medical care I received was to support my struggling body and get it into a better place but if I am to truly look to heal and repair it's time to have to look in my mirror.
However being unwell forces you to spend lots of time in the present. I very quickly came to the realisation that I didn't want to spend time with myself. Being "busy" and filling every minute of every day works so beautifully as a great distraction from sitting in my own company. The more time I sat (or lay) in my own company, the more horrendous the words I started to speak to myself were. Up pop all those self limiting beliefs: I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy, I don't deserve the family I have or who am I to do the work I do? The sad thing is it is so easy to create that cycle. It then goes on loop and the words get worse and worse and then you believe them. I think that under the busyness they have been on silent loop but I could dull them by thinking about everything else more pressing at the time.
I am happy that my body is being supported in the best physical way to recover; great nourishing and healing foods, low toxins, good sleep and movement. However the real healing must come from changing my though patterns and trying to change some loops!
If I was to talk out loud to someone else what I talk to myself, it would be emotional abuse.
It's no wonder I have been exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to convince yourself the words you are saying are true.
The health event I have just experienced has been now my third event and each time they have worsened in severity. It's time to change the track.
So I am devoting the next 40 days (at least) to recognising negative thoughts and replace them with positive, forgiving and loving thoughts. I am going to find something each day that I am grateful for within me.